Month: December 2016

2016… The Year that was!

This has been a year that I would like a do over with, but I can not.  There have been hard times, good times, happy times, and times well, times that I cry, spending a wonderful year with my mom, before she died.  Today does not seem like the last day of this year, and it definitely does not feel like a Saturday, but it is.  Here I sit at my mom’s computer, which is now my computer, typing this out.  I miss her so dearly, the tears come day after day.  But life goes on, bills keep on keeping, and I have to move forward.

I just want this year to be done, and I want the new year to start, what plans do I have for the new year, well first off, I am going back to church.  God has shown me that He is still on the throne.  He has shown up and shown out for me, prayers do change things, even through all the hurt and pain that my family are going through, God is still in control, and he has us.  The bills keep on piling up, but we are still able to pay them, still able to have enough, God is more than enough.

As I was going through mom’s note tablet, which is about to go to my sister, I found this…  It is called “A Letter from Heaven”

When tomorrow stats without me,

and I’m not hear to see,

If the sun should rise and find your

eyes, filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,

the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,

as much as I love you.

And each time you think of me,

I know you’ll miss me too.

When tomorrow starts without me,

don’t think we’re far apart.

for every time you think of me

I’m right there in your heart.

I don’t know who wrote this, but it was so beautiful, I cried while I was reading it.  This sums up how I am feeling, for my mom.  I know that we will meet again one day, but for now, I have to live my life here on this earth, and to the best of my ability.


May you rest in peace my sweet mom, we love you, and we will see you again.  Your memory lives on in us, your family, in your daughters and sons, your grandkids, your friends.  2016 was a year that I want to forget, but it is also a year that brought us closer to one another, and I will always be grateful for that.  2017 is going to be an awesome year.  I love you.


My Corner…

Another emotional day, yesterday the process of clearing, cleaning, and gathering moms stuff up began, this is a huge task, one that is going to take more then just a day.  I started early, by getting the knick knacks from the shelves in the living room, there are ones we will be keeping, and ones that will be given to good will or to donation stations, and then ones that me and my sister will keep for ourselves.  The ones that are kept in the apartment are for dad, just to keep the memories, and so that things are not changed to much too quickly for him, or us.  Then my sister came over, and we started going through her closet.  Dividing up clothing to bags that we are giving away, keeping things that fit us, that we liked, and throwing out things that was not going to be given away.  There were lots of papers that we had to go through, that were old, and of no importance, those get shredded, all the important things get bagged up and stored.  This will continue into the new year.  But once it is done, it will be done.  We are almost done with everything, it is just taking a bit to get those death certificates, but this week, if not then the new year, and we can get mom cremated and things can be done.  So that we can properly start the healing process.

We will be attending church on Sunday, the new year, going to make this new year count, and that means getting right with The Lord.  Life is tough, but we come from tough stock, and we will be alright.  We will be alright.  This year has seen it’s quota of death, now with the death of Carrie Fisher, and her mom, Debbie Reynolds,  2016 has not been a great year.  I pray that 2017 holds nothing but greatness.

My Corner…

I could not get the feeling to write yesterday, as I was all in my feelings.  Spent Christmas day with dad and sister.  I got my hair relaxed, and me and sister drove downtown and over to Lady Bird Lake.  We talked, and cried, we went down memory lane about mom.  We cried some more, I took her to shoreline, really just showed her where it was, because that is where we will be going New years day and beyond.  I think she will like it much.  We all leaned on one another, family style.

My Corner…

The pain is real, I miss her so much, sometimes I just sit with a blank stare, thinking past everything, I wish that she was here.  I still Need her.  It just does not feel like Christmas this year, I was thinking, that we did not even get a chance to take photos, around a tree that was not even put up this year, because she was in the hospital, God, I miss her…

My Corner…

So, the decision as a family has been made.  Mom will be taken off life support Sunday afternoon.

I feel…, I feel sadness, I feel so much.  So much my heart aches.  So many things I did not get to do or celebrate with her, bu I should be happy as well; because there have been much that I did get to share with her on this journey, and so much I have learned about myself as well.  

I lost my Grand mother 6 years ago.  Now I am losing my mom.  2016 has not been a great year.  

My Corner…

Last night was a truly rough night.  me and dad went to see mom after I got out of work.  Seeing her hooked up is heartbreaking as is, I talked to her, she nooded in some, I held her hand as did dad.  I showed her pictures of her cat, she nodded, as we went on, nurses came in to give her breathing treatments and to check her lungs  and heart.  her lungs are still corse, with yuckyness.  she is still on antibiotics to clear the infections.  it was when we were getting ready to leave, she was gripping my hand tightly, and there were tears in the corners of her eyes.  She was mouthing someting, but I could not understand, but knew she did not want us to leave, it broke my heart.  I had to leave, dad had to leave.  even telling her we would be back today did not help, she kept reaching out to take my hand to come back.  This has been so hard, my heart hurts.  I know she will get better, it is going to take tinr for that, I believe The Lord has her in His hedge of protection, and she is already getting stronger, and He is renewing her body.  

Today, I am bringing my bible to read some scriptures  to her, when we go back tonight.  This has been like a terrible dream, but it is not a dream, it is real.  my mom is in a fight for her life, one that she will need to reach deep down and find the strength to live and fight it.  I have the faith she will come through this, she just needs to bring hers.

Well that is all for now, until my next corner, stay blessed.

My Corner…

Exhausted , taken aback from the sight of mom laying there all plugged into machines and tubed up.  tried not to cry, did  not work.  I just want her well and home.  It is so strange, her not being here.  It hurts, but she is still in the land of the living, just in a place, hard to get to.  spent a good two hours with her, had some family down yesterday, moms sister and brother, so hard seeing her this was.  But she is strong, as strong as those veins of hers, she will make it.  I have now become the keeper of handling things along with her husband.  when he cant because of work, I take over.  It is all new, Trying to keep things in order, what needs to be paid, and when.  I have to also keep up with my things being paid as well, this is part of being an adult, handling these things that happen.  So much yo do, it is hard to keep days straight.  work,hospital , home… rinse and repeat,rinse and repeat . The nurse said it will take time.  she is not ready to be without rhe ventilator.  But when she is, we will be there for her.

My Corner…

So its been 3 days since mom was put on life support, this morning my dad says she has opened her eyes, this is progress I think, the nurse still has her stable, she was critical but stable yesterday, I think it is the same today, stable is something positive at least.  Her heart rate did go up, but think they got it back down, just all this waiting makes me anxious.  But it is what it is, and until something more happens, that is where it is going to be.  So will update later if something more happens.