Category: Choosing

28 years…

That I have called the man who was my moms husband a dad to me.  Until today.  Today, the man who I had much respect for all but became dead to me. As quickly as mom died, things started to turn with him and us as a family.  

2 months after her death, this man started seeing another women, first she was just a friend, a week later he was spending the night at her apartment.  Not even three months, he said they were thinking about moving in together.  But he assured me, my sister, and nephew that we were still his family, and that he would be there for us, that if we needed antyhing, just ask, that is what family is about.

Which was a straight out lie,  he was changing, soon he would spend weeks at her apartment, she never came up to the apartment to meet us.  We finally met her one time, her and her daughter came over, said hi and tbat was it.  Never engaged us in a conversation or anything.  Hell we do not even know her last name.  

Today when I called him,  he all but said, he did not want us calling him on the phone because it is upsetting her, since he is in a new relationship.  Not even five months and this woman is screaming they are going to be married, and that she will be answering his phone when we call and listening to the conversation.  She told me, that everytime I call, I am upsetting him, and I am always calling , wanting money or for him to pay a bill.  That he has taken care of me long enough.  That he was already in a hole, that she was helping him, not us.  I asked him, is that how he felt, he said, yes, that he is in a new relationship now.  Even though he said we could count on him, now it is clear we can not.  He made that clear today.  

Funny though, those bills that i want him to pay, are his own bills.  None of mine, and that hole he is in, is of his own doing.  His and hers in fact.   Either way, I am done with this bullshit.  It makes me angry, and sad.  Nothing I can do, but move on.  This man, that I have called dad for 28 years; is all but dead to me.  I will pray to God to help me, to help me forgive this man.  To help me clense my soul of this anger and hurt.

Plates…

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So trying to get new plates for my apartment.  I bought the chevron pattern dinner plates, but couldn’t find any of the salad plates to match,  BTW got these at Ross.  So went to several ones an still couldn’t find the smaller plates.  So I bought these with the little patterns.  I think they will go good together.  Just trying to get a new scheme of thing going in the kitchen.  Also, looking for new things for the apartment, decided to renew my lease for at least another year.  Gives me something to do.  Once it gets finished, will post photos.  Enjoy your night.

52 Weeks (picture this)

Week 4:  (picture this )

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It amazes me that people can stand and walk up and down streets all day long, in the pouring freezing rain, and the hot blazing sun begging for money!

The energy it takes to do all this, they can put into getting a decent job if anything.  They can go out and do odd jobs, but they would rather beg.  Yes, it just amazes me.  My little 2 cents for the day. 

Beyond 365

Day 274:

Today I am…  In A Battle!  With all that is inside of me, the inner demons that try to control my emotional state of being, this is a hard battle, one that I will be victorious over, one that I will fight until I can overcome.  I know that sometimes, probably more than not, that I do not make a whole lot of sense with things, but my battle will be won, I will not allow the devil to keep me prisoner of my emotional state.  Everyday I pray for blessings, for Grace and to be renewed.  To forgive and be forgiven of my sins, I know God hears and does so.  God is so good in my life.  I will be a victor, and not a victim.

Today I am…  In A Battle.

Beyond 365

Day 237:

Today I am…  Making It Clear!  No, No, No, and NO, I do not want children.  Truthfully, I have never wanted children, there was a point in my relationship with Joshua, that I, we talked about having a child, once we were married, we talked, and talked, and I said sure, I wanted a child with him, but truly, I did not.  I mean I was just fooling myself into thinking I wanted one, I finally fessed up.  Of course, we ended parting ways, and truly, I am thankful to God, to not have a child.  I have said before, and I will say it once, twice, and however many times I need to.  Children, they are not for me.

One of the aspects of my life, is that I love that I do not have the responsibility of raising a child, I can come and go as I please, that is if I want to, I do not have to deal with anyone else’s emotion other than mine and when I do get a mate, his.  But children no.  Make no mistake, I do want to have my own little family, but that is with pets, me, my husband and some pets if we choose to have them.  I know that one mistake I made was pretending that I wanted a child.  This was a mistake I will never make again, the truth is the truth, and the truth is I am childless by choice, and wish to remain that way.   When ever I do get into another relationship, this is going to be one of the very first things this person will know.  None of that you want children bs, this woman is coming full force with No, no, no, and no!  Welp, think that is about all of my rant for today, until the next time my reader’s and friends.  Enjoy your Monday, or what is left of it.

Today I am…  Making It Clear!

Beyond 365

Day 176:

Today I am…  Choosing to be positive.  I know you can not have rainbows and unicorns all the time, but you can choose to make the best out of situations, and circumstances.  There are always options, it depends on what you want to choose.  When you speak there is no hope, then that is what you will get, when you speak, that no one can help, or there is no help out there for this situation or circumstance, then that is exactly what you will receive.  There are always options, you can either do or do not do.

I know a person, who is having problems at her apartment complex, she feels there is no help, and said that she has gone to the manager, and there is nothing that they can do, they don’t have the power, in which I told her she is wrong in that.  The manager has the power to do something.  Apparently she is trying to take matters into her own hand, and I told her that for safety’s sake, take it to the manager, and if they can’t or won’t then take it up to someone higher, of course she doesn’t want retaliation, I know I would not want that to happen to her, but she as a tenant has rights as well, and I sent her some links to places that may help her out.  There are always options, it just depends on how you choose to handle things.  And sometimes the best thing is to leave, if it is affecting your health, and sanity, then no matter how cheap the place is, your health is worth more, or should be.  I have given her the links, it is up to her.

Today I am…  Choosing to be positive.

Giving the pieces to Him

The problem I have is relinquishing the broken pieces and giving them all to Him, for He is the only one that can fix these broken pieces that I call my life, my heart, me.  He is the only one, there is no one else that can do what He can do.  I fight, struggle, and rage to hold on to these pieces.  Psalm 147:3  ” He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  For I am truly the broken-hearted, and what I need is His healing.  For too long I have been trying to self-heal, and that does not work, for He is the healer of my life.

I am exhausted of mind, of body, and of spirit, for today I give the pieces over to Him.  I can not do this alone, of my own will, it has to be of His will, of His way.  Today I give over the pieces to Him.