Tag: lies

28 years…

That I have called the man who was my moms husband a dad to me.  Until today.  Today, the man who I had much respect for all but became dead to me. As quickly as mom died, things started to turn with him and us as a family.  

2 months after her death, this man started seeing another women, first she was just a friend, a week later he was spending the night at her apartment.  Not even three months, he said they were thinking about moving in together.  But he assured me, my sister, and nephew that we were still his family, and that he would be there for us, that if we needed antyhing, just ask, that is what family is about.

Which was a straight out lie,  he was changing, soon he would spend weeks at her apartment, she never came up to the apartment to meet us.  We finally met her one time, her and her daughter came over, said hi and tbat was it.  Never engaged us in a conversation or anything.  Hell we do not even know her last name.  

Today when I called him,  he all but said, he did not want us calling him on the phone because it is upsetting her, since he is in a new relationship.  Not even five months and this woman is screaming they are going to be married, and that she will be answering his phone when we call and listening to the conversation.  She told me, that everytime I call, I am upsetting him, and I am always calling , wanting money or for him to pay a bill.  That he has taken care of me long enough.  That he was already in a hole, that she was helping him, not us.  I asked him, is that how he felt, he said, yes, that he is in a new relationship now.  Even though he said we could count on him, now it is clear we can not.  He made that clear today.  

Funny though, those bills that i want him to pay, are his own bills.  None of mine, and that hole he is in, is of his own doing.  His and hers in fact.   Either way, I am done with this bullshit.  It makes me angry, and sad.  Nothing I can do, but move on.  This man, that I have called dad for 28 years; is all but dead to me.  I will pray to God to help me, to help me forgive this man.  To help me clense my soul of this anger and hurt.


Beyond 365

Day 84:

Today I am…  Angry!  I am angry at you, angry at me, just angry.  When I think back, it makes me angry.  I am angry at myself for still having my foot wedged in that door that should have been closed when everything went the way it did, but I wanted that pain, and I got it over and over, and over again, now I am just angry with myself.  Who am I fooling.  No one really, no one except myself thinking that some how, some thing might change.  Sure I know it can never go back the way it was.  Looking back, I would not want that, because it was a lie, it was miserable, there may have been some good times, intimate times, but really it wasn’t true times, because we had no clue.  I don’t want to be angry with you or with me, I want to have the peace that I need in my life.  I pray for forgiveness in all that has happened, I may never see or speak to you again, but pray that one day I will.  The truth is, I am glad that I have not seen you, because inside I am not ready to look you in the face,  just the mere thought of you racks me with anger and desire still, and until that is completely gone it is best we never see face to face.  This is the time, the time for me to work on me, something that has been long, long, long overdue.

Today I am…  Angry!